IELTS Writing Task 2 essay sample 3411 – Band 6.0

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

New forms of money are becoming extremely popular nowadays.

Is this a positive development or adding risk to the system? Should new money technology face greater regulation and security?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Economy and Business, Task 2 essay, Writing samples

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Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Candidate’s Response:

These days, technological advancements have revolutionized financial transactions by introducing a newly emerged types of currency. Some argue that this tech-based money should be further monitored and regulated. I am of the opinion that introducing this sort of monetary concept would be a positive outcome for society. In addition, responsible authorities and governments should apply more restricted, secure protocols and real-time monitoring to maximize its effectiveness and avoid data manipulation by unauthorized access.

To begin with, electronic currencies will reduce the control and monitoring of traditional banks and governments over people’s financial assets. Because of decentralized data transfer authorization in the new money scheme, transferred assets are hard to track ~~be trackable~~ by governments and banks, providing more freedom for citizens. Therefore, it will be difficult for ~~the~~ governors to put pressure on people by imposing rigorous tax measures. This is due to the lack of feedback and information that they retrieve from traditional transactions by clients. For example, in 2011, the US government reported that they lost the ability to track 25% of finances that ~~have has been~~ had been transferred since the ~~Crypto currency~~ cryptocurrency was introduced.

Lastly, governments should establish some policies to transparently monitor and regulate ~~the~~ money transactions by this new concept. Because of the lack of proper security measures and ~~back up~~ backup plans, possible risks and threats of data loss or fraudulent transactions may occur. Therefore, governments can take initiatives to tackle ~~the~~ security risks. In 2022, Nepal was the first country ~~that legislated~~ to legislate ~~the~~ Bitcoin as its official currency with augmented security.

To sum up, although new types of currencies are associated with numerous safety risks, governments can mitigate ~~the~~ security concerns by adopting strict regulation of the currency platforms so that people can easily transfer money to each other. In addition, I believe such an advancement in the banking industry will reduce the power and control of governments and banks over people’s financial assets, giving people more freedom.

326 words

Presented By: Kasra Sharifan

October 6, 2024

This is an IELTS writing band 6.0 sample



Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:

Task Response

6.0 addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others

6.0 presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive

6.0 presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

6.0

Coherence and Cohesion

6.0 arranges information and ideas coherently

6.0 there is a clear overall progression

6.0 uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

6.0 may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

7.0 presents a clear central topic within each paragraph

6.0

Lexical Resource

6.0 uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task

6.0 attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy

6.0 makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation

6.0 they do not impede communication

6.0

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

6.0 uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms

6.0 complex sentences have the same accuracy as the simple ones do

6.0 makes some errors in grammar and punctuation

6.0 errors rarely reduce communication

6.0

Feedback:

Thank you for writing this essay. The essay lacks depth in discussing the risks associated with new forms of money and the implications of increased regulation. While the examples provided are relevant, they could be more fully developed.
The essay would benefit from a clearer explanation of how the positives and negatives balance out. The conclusion does not strongly summarize the key points, and the position could be more explicitly reiterated.

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The 6.0 sample upgraded to 7.0+

In recent years, technological advancements have significantly transformed financial transactions through the introduction of new forms of currency, such as cryptocurrencies. While some argue that these innovations should be subject to stricter regulation, I believe that the rise of tech-based money is a positive development for society. Nevertheless, it is essential for governments to implement robust security measures and regulatory frameworks to mitigate potential risks.

To begin with, the emergence of electronic currencies offers greater financial autonomy to individuals by reducing the influence and control of traditional banks and governments over personal assets. The decentralized nature of these currencies makes it challenging for authorities to monitor transactions, thereby granting citizens more freedom from intrusive financial oversight. For example, the adoption of cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin has allowed people to transfer money across borders without the need for intermediaries, reducing transaction costs and increasing privacy. However, this very characteristic also makes it harder for governments to enforce tax laws and prevent illicit activities.

On the other hand, the rapid adoption of these new forms of currency has introduced significant risks, particularly in terms of security and fraud. Without adequate regulation, users are vulnerable to hacking, data breaches, and financial losses. Therefore, it is imperative that governments establish transparent policies and implement real-time monitoring systems to safeguard these transactions. For instance, when Nepal became the first country to officially recognize Bitcoin as a legal currency in 2022, it also introduced stringent security measures to protect users from fraud and unauthorized access.

In conclusion, while the rise of new money technologies presents certain risks, these can be effectively managed through appropriate regulation and security protocols. I believe that the benefits of increased financial freedom and reduced reliance on traditional banking systems outweigh the potential downsides. As long as governments take proactive steps to address security concerns, the proliferation of tech-based money will continue to be a positive force in the global economy.

321 words

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