IELTS Writing Task 2 essay sample 3387 – Band 6.0

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing.

What problems will this cause for individuals and society?

Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Health and Well-being, Policies and Government, Science and Research, Society and Community, Task 2 essay, Writing samples

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Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Candidate’s Response:

The 20th century has seen a steady rise in the average life expectancy of people, especially those living in developed nations. The reduction in mortality rates may have brought some issues to individuals and society. The essay will discuss the number of problems and solutions to address those.

With the development of socio-politics, economics, and medical science, longevity and survival have reached a tremendous age. Consequently, this impacts the government budget to fulfil the senior citizen pension and manage the aged people in the workforce who have become redundant, and some go on working part-time or casually. And such a vacuum of working hours affects the government’s income from tax and withdrawal of superannuation. Secondly, due to the increase in the number of aged people, communities are also hardly adjusting in search of affordable social housing because, in most developed countries, priorities for buying and renting them are applied to the veterans and senior citizens only. This results in skyrocketing rent clearly due to the high demand and low supply of homes.

As people’s life expectancies loom, the problems emanating as such can be addressed through potential solutions. The government can revise the age of for retirement from 65 years to 67 years, for instance, as the Australian government ~~has~~ implemented it in the year 2021. This way, the government will continue to achieve its target of the aged population as a robust workforce, increasing the flow of liquid money in the market and ~~putting down on~~ reducing the burden by deferring the early pension scheme. Also, the government can allow affordable house-buying options for younger people to accommodate them in the community by lessening the stamp duty on it. Lastly, creating an abundant pool of tradespersons like carpenters, panel beaters and the like, and non-trade workers in aged care and community support is the need of the hour to tackle the rising population of geriatrics.

In conclusion, as the challenges will rise more in the future from the ageing perspectives, the first–world countries must seek solutions and work hand-in-hand with their younger counterparts.

344 words

Planning Stage

Presented By: Kasra Sharifan

September 28, 2024

This is an IELTS writing band 6.0 sample



Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:

Task Response

7.0 addresses all parts of the task

6.0 presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive

6.0 presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

6.0

Coherence and Cohesion

6.0 arranges information and ideas coherently

6.0 there is a clear overall progression

6.0 uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

6.0 may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

6.0 uses paragraphing, but not always logically

6.0

Lexical Resource

7.0 uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision

6.0 attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy

6.0 makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation

6.0 they do not impede communication

6.0

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

7.0 uses a variety of complex structures

6.0 complex sentences have the same accuracy as the simple ones do

6.0 makes some errors in grammar and punctuation

6.0 errors rarely reduce communication

6.0

Feedback:

Thank you for writing this essay. Task Response (TR):
Strengths: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing problems caused by increasing life expectancy and suggesting solutions. It includes relevant examples, such as the Australian government's retirement age policy.
Weaknesses: The essay does not fully develop the discussion of problems and solutions. Some points are mentioned briefly without sufficient explanation or support. For example, the impact on social housing and the specific roles of tradespersons are not elaborated in depth.

Coherence and Cohesion (CC):
Strengths: The essay is organized with clear paragraphs and attempts to use cohesive devices (e.g., "Consequently," "Secondly," "Lastly").
Weaknesses: There are some issues with coherence. The connection between ideas is sometimes weak, and transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences and better structuring of points within paragraphs.

Lexical Resource (LR):
Strengths: The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with some attempt to use less common lexical items (e.g., "redundant," "superannuation," "loom").
Weaknesses: There are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and usage (e.g., "putting down on the burden," "loom" used awkwardly). The range of vocabulary could be expanded, and more precise terms could be used to convey ideas more effectively.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy (GRA):
Strengths: The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. Basic sentence structures are generally correct.
Weaknesses: There are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in verb tenses and agreement (e.g., "people workforce who became redundant," "go on working part-time or casual"). Sentence structure can be awkward at times, and there are instances of unclear meaning due to grammatical mistakes.

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The 6.0 sample upgraded to 7.0+

The 21st century has seen a steady rise in the average life expectancy of people, especially those living in developed nations. While the reduction in mortality rates has brought numerous benefits, it has also introduced several challenges for individuals and society. This essay will discuss these problems and suggest measures to address them.

With advancements in socio-politics, economics, and medical science, longevity and survival rates have reached unprecedented levels. Consequently, this has significant implications for government budgets, which must now allocate more funds to fulfill senior citizen pensions and manage an increasingly redundant aged workforce. Many seniors continue working part-time or casually, which affects government income from taxes and the withdrawal of superannuation funds. Moreover, the rising number of elderly individuals has led to a shortage of affordable social housing, as priorities for buying and renting homes in many developed countries are often given to veterans and senior citizens. This high demand and limited supply have caused rents to skyrocket, making housing less affordable for younger generations.

To mitigate these issues, several potential solutions can be implemented. One approach is to revise the retirement age, as exemplified by the Australian government, which increased the retirement age from 65 to 67 in 2021. This policy helps maintain a robust workforce and defers the burden on pension schemes, thereby ensuring a continued flow of liquid money in the market. Additionally, governments can offer affordable housing options for younger people by reducing stamp duties and providing subsidies. This would help integrate younger generations into the community and ease the housing market's pressure. Furthermore, creating an abundant pool of tradespersons, such as carpenters and panel beaters, along with non-trade workers in aged care and community support, is essential to address the needs of an ageing population.

In conclusion, as life expectancy continues to rise, developed countries must proactively seek solutions to the associated challenges. By working hand-in-hand with their younger counterparts and implementing policies that support both the elderly and the youth, societies can better manage the impacts of an ageing population.

344 words

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