IELTS Writing Task 2 essay sample 3359 – Band 7.5

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of giving children this message?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Task 2 essay, Technology, Work and Employment, Writing samples

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Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Candidate’s Response:

In some societies, juveniles are being taught that they can do anything if they grind and put enough effort into it. While this approach can help secure a high-paying job and instill a competitive mentality, drawbacks such as burnout and depression should not be taken lightly.

Teaching toddlers and adolescents good work ethics and never to give up when facing an obstacle will play a vital part in their future career success. Hard-working individuals usually have the best careers, and most of them have been taught since childhood that one of the keys to success is to strive for the top no matter what the cost is. Furthermore, helping children develop a competitive mentality will be of great assistance, especially when it comes to personal and professional challenges; this ambitious mindset imprinted in young minds will help them tackle all kinds of obstacles and hardships that they will eventually face in their lives. For instance, studies have shown that youngsters who have been brought up with a resilient mentality are more likely to perform better in school and their future jobs.

Although those traits are quite beneficial for one’s life, there are negative effects that could potentially stem from this way of living. Burnout is becoming more common nowadays, and the severe consequences this could cause for individuals’s physical and mental well-being should not be overlooked. Physical effects such as hypertension and cardiac arrhythmias caused by increased stress on the cardiovascular system have been proven to shorten life-spans and decrease the quality of life. Moreover, mental health illnesses such as anxiety and major depressive disorder are becoming more prevalent, and one of the primary etiologies is stress; it is proven that those diseases might lead to thoughts of self-harm, and studies have shown that suicide rates are at an all-time high, and immediate actions should be taken to help the younger generation.

In conclusion, encouraging children to aim for the top and secure their future by working hard is advantageous, and helping them develop a competing mentality will help secure this goal. However, care should be taken when trying to do so; burnout which could cause dire health effects, and depression which might lead to suicidal tendencies are to be taken seriously.

372 words

Presented By: Kasra Sharifan

October 3, 2024

This is an IELTS writing band 7.5 sample

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Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:

Task Response

9.0 fully addresses all parts of the task

9.0 presents a fully developed position in answer to the question

9.0 with relevant, fully extended, and well-supported ideas

9.0

Coherence and Cohesion

9.0 sequences information and ideas logically

8.0 manages all aspects of cohesion well

7.0 uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use

9.0 uses referencing clearly and appropriately throughout

8.0 uses paragraphing sufficiently and appropriately

7.0

Lexical Resource

9.0 uses a wide range of vocabulary

8.0 skillfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation

9.0 rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’

9.0 the communication is completely natural

8.0

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

7.0 uses a variety of complex structures

8.0 the majority of sentences are error-free

8.0 makes only very occasional errors or inappropriacies

9.0 communication is completely natural

7.0

7.5

Feedback:

Thank you indeed for writing this essay. The two strongest points in this essay are the vocabulary range and the organization of ideas throughout. There are only minor punctuation errors that do not affect the reader's mind. As for coherence and cohesion," and "is used towards the end.

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Another Above 7.0 Sample

In certain cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they work hard enough. While this message can be inspiring and foster a strong work ethic, it also has the potential to create unrealistic expectations and undue pressure. Examining both the advantages and disadvantages of this approach is essential to understand its impact on a child's development.

One significant advantage of conveying this message is that it instills perseverance and ambition in children. Believing that hard work leads to success can motivate them to set high goals and persist despite challenges. This mindset often results in academic excellence and later professional achievements. For example, many successful individuals credit their accomplishments to the relentless determination cultivated during their youth. This belief can also enhance self-confidence, encouraging children to explore new opportunities and innovate.

However, there are notable disadvantages to this perspective. Telling children they can achieve anything solely through effort may set unrealistic expectations, ignoring factors like innate abilities, resources, and systemic barriers. When children face obstacles beyond their control, they may experience feelings of failure or inadequacy despite their hard work. This can lead to diminished self-esteem and mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Furthermore, the pressure to succeed at all costs can detract from the joy of learning and personal growth.

Additionally, this message can contribute to excessive stress and burnout. Children might push themselves to unhealthy extremes, neglecting essential aspects of well-being like rest, social interactions, and hobbies. The fear of failure may become overwhelming, leading to a perfectionist attitude that is difficult to sustain. For instance, studies have shown that adolescents who feel constant pressure to achieve are more susceptible to stress-related illnesses and decreased overall happiness.

In conclusion, while encouraging children to believe in the power of hard work can motivate them to reach their potential, it is crucial to balance this message with realistic expectations and support. Teaching them to recognize their limits, value effort over outcome, and view setbacks as learning opportunities can help mitigate the potential downsides. A balanced approach ensures that children strive for excellence without compromising their well-being.

358 words

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