IELTS Writing Task 2 essay sample 3281 – Band 7.0

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults who commit crimes.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Candidate’s Response:

Deciding to choose among the potential ways of punishing young people who commit crimes continues to be a controversial issue for the societies and the governments. It is argued by some that these people should be treated the same as adults. I personally disagree with this opinion due to the adverse effects of imprisonment on a teenager’s mental health.

Many countries put the criminals of their society at jails considering it as a very effective way of punishment. It is understandable that this does exert a positive influence on decreasing crime in the society by putting the criminals in an unpleasant situation which they would mostly never wish to experience again. As a result, this could impede them from attempting crime in the future. For example, my friend who had been sent to jail for 2 months because of repeatedly committing traffic offends, has never committed the same crime since being released admitting that being in prison had been intolerable for her.

However, I believe using the same way of punishment for youngsters would not be a wise idea. In fact, teenagers are at a very critical age in which the core of their personality is being shaped. There for, sending them to prison like adults as a way of punishment for their crimes, which are most often pity crimes, would actually expose them to other criminals who might have some serious personality disorders and this would adversely affect their personality as an adult in the future. To put in another way, such punishments are potential to become a threat to their mental health leading them to commit more serious crimes in a long run. For instance, according to the law of my country, young people are being punished the same as adults. A recent survey revealed that this policy has not been effective so far since 60% of these teenage criminals end up drug trafficking after being released from prison which had been sent to for a pity crime.

In conclusion, although the ways that adults are being punished in many countries might be quite effective to decrease crime rate, I do not agree that it is a wise decision to use these ways for punishing young people as well.

371 words
Presented By: Shahab Hosseinzadeh

Presented By: Shahab Hosseinzadeh

January 7, 2024

This is an IELTS writing band 7.0 sample

Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:

Task Response
8.0 sufficiently addresses all parts of the task
8.0 presents a well-developed response to the question
8.0 with relevant, extended, and supported ideas
8.0
Coherence and Cohesion
9.0 sequences information and ideas logically
7.0 there is clear progression throughout
7.0 uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
6.0 may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
8.0 uses paragraphing sufficiently and appropriately
6.0
Lexical Resource
9.0 uses a wide range of vocabulary
8.0 skillfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation
7.0 may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
9.0 the communication is completely natural
7.0
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
7.0 uses a variety of complex structures
8.0 the majority of sentences are error-free
7.0 has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
9.0 communication is completely natural
7.0
7.0

Feedback:

Thank you indeed for writing this essay. The rubric is very well understood and well presented. The use of the definite article “the” in some cases is redundant, which might confuse referencing. Most specifically, “the” in generalization needs improvement. Here’s a good read that helps:

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The notion that young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults is a topic of debate in the field of criminal justice. While some argue for uniformity in punishment, I firmly disagree with this perspective. It is essential to recognize the unique characteristics and vulnerabilities of youth, and a more rehabilitative approach is crucial to their development.
First and foremost, the brains of young people are not fully developed, particularly the prefrontal cortex responsible for decision-making and impulse control. This means that adolescents are more susceptible to peer pressure, have a reduced ability to foresee the consequences of their actions, and may be more impulsive. Treating them as adults fails to acknowledge these fundamental differences and neglects the opportunity for rehabilitation and personal growth.
Secondly, young offenders are more malleable and open to change compared to adults. Rather than imposing punitive measures that may harden their criminal tendencies, rehabilitation programs and educational interventions offer a more constructive path. By addressing the root causes of their criminal behavior, such as family issues, substance abuse, or mental health problems, we can help them reintegrate into society as law-abiding citizens.
Moreover, international conventions and human rights standards recognize the need for a separate system of justice for young offenders. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, for instance, emphasizes the importance of treating children differently and providing them with opportunities for rehabilitation.
In conclusion, treating young people who commit crimes in the same way as adults is unjust and counterproductive. It fails to acknowledge the unique characteristics and potential for change in young offenders, and it disregards international standards on juvenile justice. Rather than focusing solely on punishment, we should prioritize rehabilitation and education for the youth to steer them away from a life of crime.
302 words

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