IELTS Writing Task 2 essay sample 3279 – Band 6.0

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

In many countries, paying for things using mobile phone (cellphone) apps is becoming increasingly common.

Does this development have more advantages or more disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Society and Community, Task 2 essay, Technology, Writing samples, Writing topics

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Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Candidate’s Response:

These days , it’s very commonin many countries to use mobile phone apps for payments . the advantages to outweigh the disadvantages which will be examined in this essay .

On the one hand , paying for stuff via cellphone apps Could reduce the cost of community . As purchasing neccesrities are being involved in going to the street and reaching to the shop which Could increase the cost of fuel for transportation . This cost Could be lowered when people could buy and pay via mobile phone apps and this way is more time-Consuming . In addition , the pace of life will increase . People would not have to present in a shop for purchasing which would take a long time thus , people Could save this time by paying for expenses via cellphone apps . Moreover , individuals Could experience heathier life because of being at one place for payments . As individuals would not have to go outside for paying and they could be more secure because they won’t expose themselves to accidents or burglary by anonymous people .

On the other hand , this approach for payment has drawbacks . Firstly , people could endanger their confidential information which is available and obvious when entering this information into cellphone apps for payments . This is because people might use wrong apps which are insecure . Another problem is that users Could expend more money compared to when they buy things traditionaly . As purchasing stuff by mobile apps are more Convenient , as a result , individuals Could buy anything which is not important because paying for it is done by clicking some buttons , rather than going to the shop .

In conclusion , i believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because drawbacks Could be solved by increasing the knowledge of people towards these apps and people could practice to Control themselves for purchasing important products .

324 words

Presented By: Shahab Hosseinzadeh

March 26, 2024

This is an IELTS writing band 6.0 sample



Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Assessor’s Comment

Thank you indeed for writing this essay. Task Response (TR):
- The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phone apps for payments.
- The writer's opinion is clear, stating that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, but the conclusion could better summarize the main arguments presented in the essay.
- While the essay covers the topic, some points could be developed more thoroughly with clearer examples.

Coherence and Cohesion (CC):
- The essay is structured into clear paragraphs, each discussing a different aspect of the topic.
- Transitions like "On the other hand" and "In conclusion" are used appropriately. However, some ideas could be connected more smoothly.
- Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, affecting the overall flow of the essay.
- The first paragraph’s topic sentence is not general enough to cover all the internal topics in the paragraph. A good example of a proper topic sentence is the one on the second body paragraph. It is general and clear.

Lexical Resource (LR):
- The vocabulary is generally appropriate for the topic, but there are notable instances of awkward phrasing and minor errors, such as "commonin" (should be "common in") and "heathier" (should be "healthier").
- The essay would benefit from a wider variety of vocabulary and more accurate word choices.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy (GRA):
- The essay shows an attempt at using both simple and complex sentence structures, but there are several grammatical errors that need attention.
- Inconsistencies in verb tense and subject-verb agreement are present, as well as incorrect capitalization ("Could" should be "could").
- Some sentences are confusing and could be structured more clearly for better understanding.

Overall Feedback:
It addresses the topic and presents a clear opinion but needs improvements in coherence, vocabulary range, and grammatical accuracy. Focusing on developing arguments more fully, refining language use, and correcting grammatical errors would be crucial to achieve a higher band. The writer shows an understanding of the topic but needs to polish the expression and presentation of ideas for a more effective and cohesive essay.

Kasra Sharifan

IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:

Task Response

9.0 fully addresses all parts of the task

8.0 presents a well-developed response to the question

7.0 presents, extends, and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to over-generalize and/or supporting ideas may lack focus

7.0

Coherence and Cohesion

7.0 logically organizes information and ideas

7.0 there is clear progression throughout

6.0 uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical

6.0 may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

6.0 uses paragraphing, but not always logically

6.0

Lexical Resource

7.0 uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision

6.0 attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy

6.0 makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation

6.0 they do not impede communication

6.0

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

7.0 uses a variety of complex structures

6.0 complex sentences have the same accuracy as the simple ones do

6.0 makes some errors in grammar and punctuation

6.0 errors rarely reduce communication

6.0

Feedback:

Thank you indeed for writing this essay. Task Response (TR):
- The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phone apps for payments.
- The writer's opinion is clear, stating that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, but the conclusion could better summarize the main arguments presented in the essay.
- While the essay covers the topic, some points could be developed more thoroughly with clearer examples.

Coherence and Cohesion (CC):
- The essay is structured into clear paragraphs, each discussing a different aspect of the topic.
- Transitions like "On the other hand" and "In conclusion" are used appropriately. However, some ideas could be connected more smoothly.
- Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, affecting the overall flow of the essay.
- The first paragraph’s topic sentence is not general enough to cover all the internal topics in the paragraph. A good example of a proper topic sentence is the one on the second body paragraph. It is general and clear.

Lexical Resource (LR):
- The vocabulary is generally appropriate for the topic, but there are notable instances of awkward phrasing and minor errors, such as "commonin" (should be "common in") and "heathier" (should be "healthier").
- The essay would benefit from a wider variety of vocabulary and more accurate word choices.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy (GRA):
- The essay shows an attempt at using both simple and complex sentence structures, but there are several grammatical errors that need attention.
- Inconsistencies in verb tense and subject-verb agreement are present, as well as incorrect capitalization ("Could" should be "could").
- Some sentences are confusing and could be structured more clearly for better understanding.

Overall Feedback:
It addresses the topic and presents a clear opinion but needs improvements in coherence, vocabulary range, and grammatical accuracy. Focusing on developing arguments more fully, refining language use, and correcting grammatical errors would be crucial to achieve a higher band. The writer shows an understanding of the topic but needs to polish the expression and presentation of ideas for a more effective and cohesive essay.

The IELTS Assessor

Kasra Sharifan

Co-founder and CFO

British Council certified English teacher, IDP-trained IELTS instructor, content writer, editor-in-chief, co-founder, and Chief Financial Officer (CFO) at IELTS Juice Online Academy.

An Above 7.0 Sample

The widespread adoption of mobile phone apps for transactions in numerous countries sparks a debate about its merits and drawbacks. While this technological shift brings various advantages, it also presents notable challenges.

One significant advantage is the unparalleled convenience these apps offer. They streamline transactions, providing swift and effortless payments without the need for physical cash or cards. This convenience enhances efficiency in everyday purchases and bill payments, saving time and effort for users. Additionally, these apps often offer discounts, rewards, or loyalty programs, providing added incentives for users.

However, this development also poses certain disadvantages. A primary concern revolves around security risks. Electronic transactions can leave sensitive financial information vulnerable to cyberattacks or unauthorized access, raising concerns about data breaches and privacy. Moreover, the reliance on mobile payments may exacerbate issues related to financial exclusion for individuals without access to smartphones or reliable internet connections, widening societal disparities.

Nevertheless, the advantages of mobile payment apps significantly outweigh the drawbacks. They foster financial inclusion by providing access to banking services for unbanked populations, contributing to economic growth and accessibility to modern financial tools. Furthermore, the convenience they offer considerably enhances the efficiency of daily transactions for individuals and businesses alike.

In conclusion, while concerns regarding security and accessibility exist, the advantages of mobile payment apps, particularly in terms of convenience and financial inclusion, surpass the disadvantages. As this trend continues to evolve, addressing security vulnerabilities and ensuring broader access to these technologies are essential steps toward maximizing their benefits while mitigating potential drawbacks.

253 words

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