IELTS Writing Task 2 essay sample 3265 – Band 6.5

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

In many families nowadays, both parents work and pay people to look after their children. Some people believe this is not good for families.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Family and Relationships, Task 2 essay, Work and Employment, Writing samples, Writing topics

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Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Candidate’s Response:

I agree that paying someone to look after their children is not a good way of parenting because the person cannot be trusted fully in any way and parents are not sure whether the person is good enough or not. Although working hard is needed due to the difficulties all families have in their lives, spending time together as a family is very important.

First of all, the distance parents make by working all day and not being with their kids, has an impact on their children’s mental health. Children, especially in ages between 5 to 12, need their mother and father by their side. They want their own parents to support them and be there when they need them. The love that parents give to their children is pure and children need that in order to grow up healthy.

Another reason for this matter is that parents do not get to know their child well because they were not there to raise them and educate them. With that being said, children may grow up in a different way and sometimes it may lead to having arguments over small things with their parents. The distance causes children to find and experience things they want on their own and may decide to break the law just because their own parents did not teach them how to behave in the house or outside.

Overall, working all day and not spending enough time with children has lots of bad influences on their mental health. So if parents find a way to manage their time to be there for their children, prevent many damages that may happen to their kids.

276 words

Presented By: Shahab Hosseinzadeh

January 20, 2024

This is an IELTS writing band 6.5 sample

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Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:

Task Response

7.0 addresses all parts of the task

7.0 presents a clear position throughout the response

7.0 presents, extends, and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to over-generalize and/or supporting ideas may lack focus

7.0

Coherence and Cohesion

7.0 logically organizes information and ideas

7.0 there is clear progression throughout

7.0 uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use

6.0 may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

7.0 presents a clear central topic within each paragraph

6.0

Lexical Resource

7.0 uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision

7.0 uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation

8.0 produces rare errors in spelling and/or word formation

9.0 the communication is completely natural

7.0

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

7.0 uses a variety of complex structures

6.0 complex sentences have the same accuracy as the simple ones do

7.0 has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors

7.0 they do not impede communication

6.0

6.5

Feedback:

Thank you indeed for writing this essay. The response effectively presents a clear opinion on the issue and provides relevant supporting points. The idea that paying someone to look after children is not ideal due to trust issues and the importance of spending time as a family is well-established. The essay demonstrates coherence in presenting ideas; however, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Consider using cohesive devices to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs, creating a more seamless connection between ideas. The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, and the essay effectively communicates the writer's ideas. There's room for improvement in terms of word choice and variety, especially in expressing the negative impacts on children's mental health.

Regarding Grammatical Range & Accuracy, while the essay conveys the intended message, there are occasional grammatical errors that slightly impact clarity. Pay attention to sentence structures, ensuring they are grammatically sound and convey the intended meaning accurately.

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The 6.5 sample upgraded to 7.0+

In the contemporary landscape of family life, it has become increasingly common for both parents to work and enlist the assistance of caregivers to look after their children. While some individuals contend that this arrangement is detrimental to families, I firmly believe that it can, in fact, be a beneficial and pragmatic choice.

To begin, the economic realities of the modern world often necessitate that both parents contribute to the household income. With the rising cost of living, single-income households are often insufficient to provide a comfortable and secure life for the family. In this context, both parents working becomes not just a choice but a necessity to ensure financial stability and access to various opportunities for their children.

Furthermore, employing caregivers or childcare services can have advantages. These professionals are typically trained and experienced in child development and safety, ensuring that children receive proper care and education. This can be especially beneficial for working parents, as they can focus on their jobs with peace of mind, knowing their children are in capable hands.

Moreover, having both parents employed can set a positive example for children. It teaches them the values of hard work, responsibility, and the importance of contributing to society. It also provides them with opportunities to interact with a diverse group of people, both at home and in a daycare or school setting, which can enhance their social skills and cultural awareness.

In conclusion, the choice of having both parents work and hiring caregivers to look after children is often a pragmatic response to the demands of the modern world. This arrangement not only provides financial stability but can also contribute to children's development and instill important values. Therefore, I strongly agree that it is a viable and reasonable approach for many families.

296 words

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