IELTS Writing Task 2 essay sample 3246 – Band 5.5

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

Studies show that crime rates are lower among those with educational degrees. Therefore, the best way to reduce the crime rate is to educate criminals while they are still in prison.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Candidate’s Response:

It is widely argued that individuals with higher educational degrees are less offenders compared to those without any educational history. While I agree that education should be considered as a key determiner to minimize the crime rates, other stimulators should not be refused. In the following essay, I will state my reasons.

On the one hand, having much free time and leisure time without any utmost aims can be turned into committing the crime in the long run. In other words, those who spend their precious time on studying and striving to make a degree seem to be extremely occupied with their studies. Therefore, it is a beneficial idea to educate people who hold in captivity and they would apply their education to find a job after releasing back to the community.

However, crime rates can be influenced dramatically by other fundamental factors such as poor family background, poverty and striking up unhealthy friendships, which are not only diminishing the crime rates but also worsening them. What I mean by this is that individuals from badly-off families and who are rubbing shoulders with the offenders can become more engaged to committing a broad range of crimes.

All things considered, although facilitating criminals with education while they are in prison could be considered as a crucial factor to minimize crime rates, providing the rehabilitation centers and counsellors could be advantageous, as well.  Personally, I believe that a wide range of services apart from education should be employed in the prison to make prisoners law abiding citizens and reduce the ratio of crime.

261 words
Presented By: Shahab Hosseinzadeh

Presented By: Shahab Hosseinzadeh

April 1, 2024

This is an IELTS writing band 5.5 sample

Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Assessor’s Comment

Thank you indeed for writing this essay. Task Response (TR):
The essay addresses the task reasonably well, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The writer discusses the importance of education in reducing crime rates and acknowledges other factors that contribute to crime. However, the argument could be developed further with more specific examples and a clearer explanation of how education directly impacts crime rates.

Coherence and Cohesion (CC):
The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The use of cohesive devices (e.g., "On the one hand," "However") helps to connect ideas. However, some sentences could be structured more effectively to enhance clarity and coherence.

Lexical Resource (LR):
The writer uses a range of vocabulary, including some less common words (e.g., "stimulators," "badly-off families"). However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice ("hold in captivity" instead of "are in captivity").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy (GRA):
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are several grammatical errors that hinder clarity (e.g., "less offenders" should be "fewer offenders," "without any utmost aims" is unclear). The use of articles and prepositions is sometimes incorrect.

Overall: The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument. However, to achieve a higher score, the writer should focus on developing their ideas more fully, using a wider range of vocabulary, and improving grammatical accuracy. In addition, It is always a better strategy to mention fewer main ideas but with deeper explanation and description. In specific, “family background, poverty, and striking up unhealthy friendships” each needs proper development.


Kasra Sharifan

IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:

Task Response
7.0 addresses all parts of the task
7.0 presents a clear position throughout the response
6.0 presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion
7.0 logically organizes information and ideas
7.0 there is clear progression throughout
7.0 uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
6.0 may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
6.0 uses paragraphing, but not always logically
6.0
Lexical Resource
7.0 uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
8.0 skillfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation
7.0 may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
5.0 that may cause some difficulty for the reader
5.0
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
7.0 uses a variety of complex structures
6.0 complex sentences have the same accuracy as the simple ones do
7.0 has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
6.0 errors rarely reduce communication
6.0
5.5

Feedback:

Thank you indeed for writing this essay. Task Response (TR):
The essay addresses the task reasonably well, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The writer discusses the importance of education in reducing crime rates and acknowledges other factors that contribute to crime. However, the argument could be developed further with more specific examples and a clearer explanation of how education directly impacts crime rates.

Coherence and Cohesion (CC):
The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The use of cohesive devices (e.g., "On the one hand," "However") helps to connect ideas. However, some sentences could be structured more effectively to enhance clarity and coherence.

Lexical Resource (LR):
The writer uses a range of vocabulary, including some less common words (e.g., "stimulators," "badly-off families"). However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice ("hold in captivity" instead of "are in captivity").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy (GRA):
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are several grammatical errors that hinder clarity (e.g., "less offenders" should be "fewer offenders," "without any utmost aims" is unclear). The use of articles and prepositions is sometimes incorrect.

Overall: The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument. However, to achieve a higher score, the writer should focus on developing their ideas more fully, using a wider range of vocabulary, and improving grammatical accuracy. In addition, It is always a better strategy to mention fewer main ideas but with deeper explanation and description. In specific, “family background, poverty, and striking up unhealthy friendships” each needs proper development.

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The IELTS Assessor

Kasra Sharifan

Kasra Sharifan

Co-founder and CFO

British Council certified English teacher, IDP-trained IELTS instructor, content writer, editor-in-chief, co-founder, and Chief Financial Officer (CFO) at IELTS Juice Online Academy.

An Above 7.0 Sample

The relationship between education and crime rates is a complex issue that has garnered significant attention. While it is true that studies indicate a correlation between lower crime rates and higher educational attainment, the idea that the most effective approach to reducing crime is to educate criminals while they are in prison is a topic of debate. I believe that education in prisons can be a valuable tool, but it may not be the sole solution to addressing the multifaceted problem of crime.
Education has the potential to positively impact the lives of incarcerated individuals. It can equip them with skills, knowledge, and opportunities for reintegration into society upon release. This, in turn, may reduce recidivism rates, contributing to lower overall crime rates. Education can also offer inmates a chance for personal growth and rehabilitation, which are essential aspects of criminal justice.
However, it is overly simplistic to assert that educating prisoners is the definitive solution to reducing crime. Crime has diverse root causes, including socioeconomic factors, mental health issues, and addiction. While education is a valuable tool, addressing these underlying issues with a holistic approach, which includes access to mental health services, addiction treatment, and job opportunities upon release, is equally essential.
In conclusion, education in prisons is a worthwhile endeavor that can contribute to reducing crime rates. Nevertheless, it should be seen as one component of a broader strategy that encompasses various aspects of criminal justice reform. To effectively combat crime, we must address its underlying causes comprehensively.
250 words

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