IELTS Writing Task 2 essay sample 3137 – Band 6.0

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Essay

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result.
Why do many working people not get enough exercise?
What can be done about this problem?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

Candidate’s Response:

People living in socialized environment, have to address their day to day needs by working fulltime or even having a part-time job on the side to survive in this environment. As a result they won’t be able to spend time for exercise and taking care of their general health. In this essay I’m going to discuss this situation and finally suggest solutions for overcoming this issue.

Unfortunately, one of the negative impacts of fulltime employment is that people have to be completely dedicated and responsible for their career. This requires them working at least eight hours per day and that does not include the time spent commuting from their residences to their work location. All these issues won’t leave any time in the daily life to be spent on other activities kike physical exercises.

When people do not spent sufficient amount of time exercising, based on their lifestyle they might experience mental and physical health issues. For example heart deceases, becoming overweight, high blood pressure, diabetes and even phsycological issues like deppression. All of these issues results in increasing demand for medical services and extra charges on govermnets and insurance companies that they might get into trouble providing these services.

In my opinion, to prevent all the mentioned issues, governments must spend budget on advertising the benefits of exercise on the general health. Also they can force the employers to provide exercise related services for the employees and even place supsides on the fees related to exercise activities to finally increase the rate of employed population doing daily exercise.

259 words
Presented By: Shahab Hosseinzadeh

Presented By: Shahab Hosseinzadeh

March 2, 2024

This is an IELTS writing band 6.0 sample

Disclaimer

The writing sample displayed here is the work of IELTS candidates and has been assessed by our team for guidance and practice purposes. These scores are not official IELTS scores.

IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:

Task Response
6.0 addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
6.0 presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
6.0 presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion
6.0 arranges information and ideas coherently
6.0 there is a clear overall progression
6.0 uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
6.0 may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
6.0 uses paragraphing, but not always logically
6.0
Lexical Resource
7.0 uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
7.0 uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
6.0 makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation
6.0 they do not impede communication
6.0
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
7.0 uses a variety of complex structures
7.0 produces frequent error-free sentences
6.0 makes some errors in grammar and punctuation
7.0 they do not impede communication
6.0
6.0

Feedback:

Thank you indeed for writing this essay. Task Response (TR): The essay adequately addresses the two questions posed in the prompt, discussing reasons why working people may not exercise enough and suggesting possible solutions. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, but it could be more direct in addressing the specific questions. There's room for deeper analysis and more varied examples in explaining why exercise is neglected. The conclusion is not clear and contains new information; in other words, the essay does not have a proper conclusion.

Coherence and Cohesion (CC): The essay is structured into clear paragraphs, each addressing a separate aspect of the topic. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the essay would benefit from a clearer topic sentence in some paragraphs. Cohesive devices are present but sometimes used awkwardly ("kike" should be "like").

Lexical Resource (LR): There is an attempt to use a range of vocabulary, but with some inaccuracies and repetitions ("day to day needs" could be varied). Care should be taken with spelling and word choice to ensure clarity and precision ("phsycological" should be "psychological," "deppression" should be "depression," "supsides" should be "subsidies").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy (GRA): The essay features a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are numerous grammatical errors and misspellings that need to be addressed. Issues with subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article use are evident. Proofreading is necessary to correct these mistakes.

Additional Notes:

The introduction could directly reference the questions to be addressed.
More specific examples and data could strengthen the argument.
The conclusion could be more concise and focused on summarizing the main points and recommendations.
The essay should avoid general statements and instead focus on concrete ideas.

Video Feedback

IELTS Juice YouTube Channel

IELTS Juice

IELTS Juice is brought to you by Juice Academy, registered in ‌British Columbia, Canada. On this channel, experienced English teachers and IELTS experts provide lessons, tips, and guidance to help you improve your English and achieve the best results in the IELTS exam.

The IELTS Assessor

Kasra Sharifan

Kasra Sharifan

Co-founder and CFO

British Council certified English teacher, IDP-trained IELTS instructor, content writer, editor-in-chief, co-founder, and Chief Financial Officer (CFO) at IELTS Juice Online Academy.

The 6.0 sample upgraded to 7.0+

The sedentary lifestyle of numerous working individuals, characterized by insufficient physical activity both during working hours and leisure time, has emerged as a significant health concern. This trend is primarily attributed to several factors.
Firstly, the demanding nature of modern jobs often confines employees to desks for extended periods, leading to a lack of movement and opportunities for exercise during working hours. Additionally, long commutes and hectic schedules leave little time and energy for individuals to engage in physical activities during their free time. The pervasive influence of technology and entertainment also contributes by encouraging more sedentary behaviors, such as prolonged screen time, which replaces potential exercise opportunities.
To address this prevalent issue, multifaceted approaches are essential. Employers could introduce workplace initiatives promoting physical activity, such as standing desks, designated break times for movement, or on-site exercise facilities. Encouraging flexible work hours or remote work options could allow employees to incorporate physical activity into their daily routines. Furthermore, public awareness campaigns emphasizing the importance of regular exercise and its impact on overall health can help change societal norms and encourage a more active lifestyle.
Schools and communities should also play a pivotal role in promoting physical education and creating accessible recreational spaces. Government policies supporting infrastructure for walking, cycling, and recreational activities in urban areas could encourage a more active populace.
In conclusion, the lack of exercise among the working population is a multifaceted issue stemming from work demands, lifestyle choices, and societal factors. Addressing this problem requires a collaborative effort involving employers, policymakers, educational institutions, and communities to foster a culture that prioritizes and facilitates regular physical activity for better overall health.
273 words

Read similar samples


$59
IELTS Listening Course

IELTS Listening

Best approaches to each part of the IELTS Listening test

$79

IELTS Reading

All the strategies you need for success in IELTS reading

$99
IELTS writing

IELTS Writing

How to write letters, reports & essays based on IELTS criteria

$49
IELTS Speaking

IELTS Speaking

Top tips and speaking practice materials for the three parts

$19

IELTS Vocabulary

Master essential vocabulary for success in the IELTS test

Free

What’s IELTS

Have an overview of the IELTS test format & structure

Free

One Word or Two

Master words that look like one but are two, or vice versa